12/22/2008 09:40:00 PM
Craig's Christmas Message
By Craig Patterson
Well, I don't know about you but I'm getting very EXCITED about Christmas. But while I'm chugging down my egg nog, I always like to spare a thought for those less fortunate than myself - yes, that's right, I'm talking about people WITHOUT CARS. Well, this year, I decided to do something about it.
For the past week I've been using every spare moment I have to go driving round downtown, wearing a very fetching Santa suit, and picking up the miserable looking folks waiting in the COLD at bus stops.
Well, that was all going well and every single one of my passengers so far has been SPEECHLESS with gratitude (and one guy even got so excited he couldn't stop punching me in the gut with delight) but then the other day I picked up a guy who wasn't even at a bus stop – he was just running real hard down the sidewalk and looked like he could use a LIFT.
He hopped in with this ecstatic look on his face and threw a bag overflowing with CASH onto the back seat. 'Oh, no need to offer me payment, I'm just giving out FREE RIDES,' I said. 'It ain't for you,' he said, 'but I gotta take this ride so I can stay free.'
I didn't have time to puzzle over what that meant because then I noticed the flashing lights of a police car behind me and I figured they'd spotted me pulling jumps off the turnpike again so I took EVASIVE action and turned hard down a couple backstreets and lost 'em pretty quick, then the guy hopped out and started running again. Which was a bit weird.
I know I shouldn't RUN from the law like that but it just yanks my CRANK that they spend so much time going after little traffic offences instead of real crimes like the BANK ROBBERY I read about which happened that very same day!
Anyway, that's it from me until the New Year but I promise I will return in January to bring you more Qasqai joy and an exciting new Spanner League team. For now though, let me just say:
'Merry Christmas to ALL, and to ALL a good nitrous injection system!'
For the past week I've been using every spare moment I have to go driving round downtown, wearing a very fetching Santa suit, and picking up the miserable looking folks waiting in the COLD at bus stops.
Well, that was all going well and every single one of my passengers so far has been SPEECHLESS with gratitude (and one guy even got so excited he couldn't stop punching me in the gut with delight) but then the other day I picked up a guy who wasn't even at a bus stop – he was just running real hard down the sidewalk and looked like he could use a LIFT.
He hopped in with this ecstatic look on his face and threw a bag overflowing with CASH onto the back seat. 'Oh, no need to offer me payment, I'm just giving out FREE RIDES,' I said. 'It ain't for you,' he said, 'but I gotta take this ride so I can stay free.'
I didn't have time to puzzle over what that meant because then I noticed the flashing lights of a police car behind me and I figured they'd spotted me pulling jumps off the turnpike again so I took EVASIVE action and turned hard down a couple backstreets and lost 'em pretty quick, then the guy hopped out and started running again. Which was a bit weird.
I know I shouldn't RUN from the law like that but it just yanks my CRANK that they spend so much time going after little traffic offences instead of real crimes like the BANK ROBBERY I read about which happened that very same day!
Anyway, that's it from me until the New Year but I promise I will return in January to bring you more Qasqai joy and an exciting new Spanner League team. For now though, let me just say:
'Merry Christmas to ALL, and to ALL a good nitrous injection system!'
12/10/2008 15:20:00 PM
The Devil's in the Details
By Craig Patterson
So I'll level with ya. All week I've been reviewing all the footage those charlatans from the Number One Flemish Stunt Team sent us, going through it with a fine toothed comb, trying to find something they've done WRONG that would mean I could DISQUALIFY them from the Spanner League.
I've been over it with the COMMITTEE a few times and they're still saying that not liking Team Andromida - the most brilliant team in Qashqai Car Games history and my former employers - isn't against the rules, so I've been looking for other technicalities.
Unfortunately, the laws of the Spanner League are so SLACK that we can't even do 'em for butchering other peoples' sheep and pigs, so it looks like the Belgian blasphemers will be staying in the competition, but, as I watched the film again and again, looking closely for clues, I discovered something truly shocking...
THAT'S MY CAR!
Yes, the vehicle that you see TRASHED and DEFACED by these hairy hoodlums, then driven by a meaty moron called Peter (with about as much finesse as an elephant shuffling a deck of cards) used to be my RIDE in my Andromida glory days.
To think that that stinking heap of Flemish flab has had his sweaty, hairy, blubbery back against my driving seat and his clammy hands on my personalized patent leather steering wheel - it makes me SICK. Physically and emotionally sick. Like drinking a whole bottle of Baileys mixed with the ashes of your dead dog.
I have to go now.
I've been over it with the COMMITTEE a few times and they're still saying that not liking Team Andromida - the most brilliant team in Qashqai Car Games history and my former employers - isn't against the rules, so I've been looking for other technicalities.
Unfortunately, the laws of the Spanner League are so SLACK that we can't even do 'em for butchering other peoples' sheep and pigs, so it looks like the Belgian blasphemers will be staying in the competition, but, as I watched the film again and again, looking closely for clues, I discovered something truly shocking...
THAT'S MY CAR!
Yes, the vehicle that you see TRASHED and DEFACED by these hairy hoodlums, then driven by a meaty moron called Peter (with about as much finesse as an elephant shuffling a deck of cards) used to be my RIDE in my Andromida glory days.
To think that that stinking heap of Flemish flab has had his sweaty, hairy, blubbery back against my driving seat and his clammy hands on my personalized patent leather steering wheel - it makes me SICK. Physically and emotionally sick. Like drinking a whole bottle of Baileys mixed with the ashes of your dead dog.
I have to go now.
12/08/2008 11:14:00 PM
A Very Flemish Finish
By Craig Patterson
They've had more ups and downs and ins and outs than me in the year I earned the nickname of 'the Qashqai Casanova', they've been BROKE and they've broken stuff, they've turned a stunt which SUCKED into a success, they've been 'wrongfully' EVICTED from the league and controversially restored.
Yup, the Number One Flemish Stunt Team may be a bunch of Team Andromida hating certifiable MORONS but I suppose they've kept us entertained.
So here's a video charting their progress from humble beginnings as unemployed lowlifes, sponging off honest taxpayers, to triumphant stunt stars having achieved an impressive result purely through LUCK and POOR JUDGEMENT.
Well sure, I'll let them have their moment in the spotlight, but if you ask me, their final triumphant cry of 'That's why we're Number 1' sounds like big pile of NUMBER TWO to me.
Yup, the Number One Flemish Stunt Team may be a bunch of Team Andromida hating certifiable MORONS but I suppose they've kept us entertained.
So here's a video charting their progress from humble beginnings as unemployed lowlifes, sponging off honest taxpayers, to triumphant stunt stars having achieved an impressive result purely through LUCK and POOR JUDGEMENT.
Well sure, I'll let them have their moment in the spotlight, but if you ask me, their final triumphant cry of 'That's why we're Number 1' sounds like big pile of NUMBER TWO to me.
12/05/2008 11:14:00 PM
A Humble Apology
By Craig Patterson
So, it appears I was maybe a little hasty earlier this week when I single-handedly disqualified the Number One Flemish Stunt Team from the Spanner League. Following an EMERGENCY meeting of the Qashqai Car Games governing body, it has been concluded that I acted beyond my remit and that I do NOT have the power to discipline Spanner League contestants without the approval of Committee.
As well as re-instating the Number One Flemish Stunt Team to the competition, the board have also asked me to issue an official APOLOGY.
So, my dear Flemish fellows, I am SORRY for my rash actions and I would like to make clear that I do NOT hope that you injure yourselves horrifically when burning images of Team Andromida stars like myself, nor do I consider you lowlife scum with substandard intellects and poor personal hygiene.
I hope we can now all draw a line under this UNPLEASANT episode and move on with the serious business of the Spanner League and nobody will have to lose their job.
As well as re-instating the Number One Flemish Stunt Team to the competition, the board have also asked me to issue an official APOLOGY.
So, my dear Flemish fellows, I am SORRY for my rash actions and I would like to make clear that I do NOT hope that you injure yourselves horrifically when burning images of Team Andromida stars like myself, nor do I consider you lowlife scum with substandard intellects and poor personal hygiene.
I hope we can now all draw a line under this UNPLEASANT episode and move on with the serious business of the Spanner League and nobody will have to lose their job.
12/01/2008 12:13:00 PM
Saying 'Laterz' to the Haters
By Craig Patterson
For a long time I wasn't sure if The Number One Flemish Stunt Team were stupidly impressive or impressively STUPID.
I was kinda impressed by the way they sold their houses, their bodies, and neighbors' LIVESTOCK to raise cash for their Qashqai dreams. If I'm honest, I marveled at the BRAVADO they showed by placing an innumerate moron with a Gandalf fixation in charge of stunt engineering. I even joined their delighted celebrations when the stunt went so SPECTACULARLY wrong and I half wondered if they'd planned it that way all along.
But now I know the TRUTH.
The guys are not only CRETINS, they are pure EVIL! Just take one look at our latest footage of the Belgian blockheads and you'll see why they've made me as MAD as a hornet in an asylum: they HATE Team Andromida - the frankly brilliant team that I used to drive for!
Well, if they're going to make threats like 'We'll wipe them off the pro circuit' then I'm going to respond in the same way by playing as DIRTY as a Flemish beard.
LISTEN UP, you bunch of brainless bums. From now on you can consider yourselves WIPED OFF the AMATEUR circuit, not to mention the pros, because I am DISQUALIFYING you from the Spanner League.
Good RIDDANCE.
I was kinda impressed by the way they sold their houses, their bodies, and neighbors' LIVESTOCK to raise cash for their Qashqai dreams. If I'm honest, I marveled at the BRAVADO they showed by placing an innumerate moron with a Gandalf fixation in charge of stunt engineering. I even joined their delighted celebrations when the stunt went so SPECTACULARLY wrong and I half wondered if they'd planned it that way all along.
But now I know the TRUTH.
The guys are not only CRETINS, they are pure EVIL! Just take one look at our latest footage of the Belgian blockheads and you'll see why they've made me as MAD as a hornet in an asylum: they HATE Team Andromida - the frankly brilliant team that I used to drive for!
Well, if they're going to make threats like 'We'll wipe them off the pro circuit' then I'm going to respond in the same way by playing as DIRTY as a Flemish beard.
LISTEN UP, you bunch of brainless bums. From now on you can consider yourselves WIPED OFF the AMATEUR circuit, not to mention the pros, because I am DISQUALIFYING you from the Spanner League.
Good RIDDANCE.
11/24/2008 15:51:00 PM
Do You Man Barge?
By Craig Patterson
We see ALL kinds of training techniques here in the Qashqai Spanner League: we've had mock-ups in preparation for muck-ups, drills in preparation for spills, and intensive work-outs based entirely around concrete blocks in preparation for... well I don't quite know what that was in preparation for, but it was MIGHTY impressive.
But the Number One Flemish Stunt Team have, as ever, brought their own UNIQUE approach to training. Our latest video shows that these guys are pioneers of a physically demanding exercise they like to call MAN BARGING!
Take a look at the violent BALLET which is the purest expression of man's DELIGHT in the twin phenomena of locomotion and collision, impulse and impact, which I have ever seen.
It's raw, it's animal, it's passionate and I LIKE IT!
But the Number One Flemish Stunt Team have, as ever, brought their own UNIQUE approach to training. Our latest video shows that these guys are pioneers of a physically demanding exercise they like to call MAN BARGING!
Take a look at the violent BALLET which is the purest expression of man's DELIGHT in the twin phenomena of locomotion and collision, impulse and impact, which I have ever seen.
It's raw, it's animal, it's passionate and I LIKE IT!
11/19/2008 12:47:00 PM
Crazed NAVAL Gazing
By Craig Patterson
People are always asking me 'Craig, what's the most INSANE thing you've ever seen?' Well, that'd have to be my granddaddy the day before they took him away, but I think the people asking the question are generally more interested in WILD RIDES and DEMOLITION than wild eyes and dementia.
So, in Qashqai Car Games terms, I'd say the answer changes depending on my mood, but one of the craziest capers I've clapped eyes on would have to be when British adrenalin JUNKY, Tom Moffat from Team Raven, tried to turn the warship HMS Belfast (which is permanently moored on the River Thames in his native London) into a Qashqai assault course.
What was so WACKO wasn't when he drove onto the ship wearing a pirate outfit, complete with eye-patch, shouting 'Avast, maties!'. And it wasn't when he started doing donuts on the poop deck. It wasn't even when he lined up a massive jump off the ship's main gun, which was being swiveled towards him. No, it was when he got back INTO the car after TOTALING it on the 2 ton cannon, and drove back down the gang plank, in reverse, screaming 'Retreat! That's the Dunkirk Spirit!'
That's the kind of COMMITMENT I respect and the authorities are willing to accept in a court of law as evidence of temporary insanity.
Captain Moffat, we SALUTE you.
So, in Qashqai Car Games terms, I'd say the answer changes depending on my mood, but one of the craziest capers I've clapped eyes on would have to be when British adrenalin JUNKY, Tom Moffat from Team Raven, tried to turn the warship HMS Belfast (which is permanently moored on the River Thames in his native London) into a Qashqai assault course.
What was so WACKO wasn't when he drove onto the ship wearing a pirate outfit, complete with eye-patch, shouting 'Avast, maties!'. And it wasn't when he started doing donuts on the poop deck. It wasn't even when he lined up a massive jump off the ship's main gun, which was being swiveled towards him. No, it was when he got back INTO the car after TOTALING it on the 2 ton cannon, and drove back down the gang plank, in reverse, screaming 'Retreat! That's the Dunkirk Spirit!'
That's the kind of COMMITMENT I respect and the authorities are willing to accept in a court of law as evidence of temporary insanity.
Captain Moffat, we SALUTE you.
11/17/2008 03:10:00 PM
Could it be Magic?
By Craig Patterson
So, we've heard how Flemish caravan fan and simpleton, Joost Verbiest masterminded the incredible stunt performed by the Number One Flemish Stunt Team. We've heard how, even though Joost can hardly even COUNT, he worked on the complex engineering of the ramp, using his own home as the integral structural support. We've heard how he claims the stunt came to him in a moment of REVELATION. And we've seen the results.
Well, in our latest VIDEO we get just that little bit more insight into the workings of a truly special mind which convinces us that maybe, just maybe, the man's taken a trip to the WRONG side of the genius/madman divide. Yup, it seems Joost believes that he was guided by a WIZARD.
Now this really is the sort of thing which SPELLS disaster for a Qashqai stunt, especially when the wizard in question is less of a Dumbledore and more of a Dummy. I'm all for a gung-ho approach to stunt mechanics, but trusting to magic has got be the quickest way to say ABRA-CADAVER.
Well, in our latest VIDEO we get just that little bit more insight into the workings of a truly special mind which convinces us that maybe, just maybe, the man's taken a trip to the WRONG side of the genius/madman divide. Yup, it seems Joost believes that he was guided by a WIZARD.
Now this really is the sort of thing which SPELLS disaster for a Qashqai stunt, especially when the wizard in question is less of a Dumbledore and more of a Dummy. I'm all for a gung-ho approach to stunt mechanics, but trusting to magic has got be the quickest way to say ABRA-CADAVER.
11/12/2008 03:10:00 PM
The Caravan of Love
By Craig Patterson
The story of Joost Verbiest and his beloved caravan is a bittersweet tale of love and loss. You see, Joost took to his dwarf-sized dwelling when his millionaire parents chucked him out of their ancestral residence, just outside the Belgian city of Diksmuide, for spending all of his pocket money on SWEETS. This might seem a little harsh, but he was 24 years old at the time and that pocket money was in excess of 500 Euro per week.
So, naiive young Joost, who had always dreamt of a life on the road, took his final handout from daddy and invested it in a caravan, neglecting the fact that he would need a vehicle to move it. The salesman kindly towed it as far as the nearby woods and there Joost set up a happy habitation for several years in his not so mobile home, DREAMING of earning enough money to buy a CAR.
But then along came the Number One Flemish Stunt Team and their madcap plan to get their hands on an ex-pro Qashqai but no idea what they would do with it when they had one. Joost spotted in a moment of what he calls 'REVELATION' that he could give them the stunt they wanted and get, in return, the car of his dreams to tow his camper.
Well, the video tells the rest of the story. Joost's JUST not good enough at calculating the forces involved in a Qashqai stunt. My old mentor, Dirk Van Patten, had a saying for foolishness like this (as indeed he did for most kinds of foolishness, in fact): 'If you don't do the MATH, you'd better be ready for the AFTERMATH'.
Yup, Joost Verbiest may not be the happiest CAMPER but I like to think you can just see in the corner of his brave Flemish eye a certain pride in having his home flattened out in such SPECTACULAR fashion by the very Qashqai he had hoped would make it go FLAT OUT.
So, naiive young Joost, who had always dreamt of a life on the road, took his final handout from daddy and invested it in a caravan, neglecting the fact that he would need a vehicle to move it. The salesman kindly towed it as far as the nearby woods and there Joost set up a happy habitation for several years in his not so mobile home, DREAMING of earning enough money to buy a CAR.
But then along came the Number One Flemish Stunt Team and their madcap plan to get their hands on an ex-pro Qashqai but no idea what they would do with it when they had one. Joost spotted in a moment of what he calls 'REVELATION' that he could give them the stunt they wanted and get, in return, the car of his dreams to tow his camper.
Well, the video tells the rest of the story. Joost's JUST not good enough at calculating the forces involved in a Qashqai stunt. My old mentor, Dirk Van Patten, had a saying for foolishness like this (as indeed he did for most kinds of foolishness, in fact): 'If you don't do the MATH, you'd better be ready for the AFTERMATH'.
Yup, Joost Verbiest may not be the happiest CAMPER but I like to think you can just see in the corner of his brave Flemish eye a certain pride in having his home flattened out in such SPECTACULAR fashion by the very Qashqai he had hoped would make it go FLAT OUT.
11/10/2008 09:18:00 PM
DO Hold Your Breath - More from Joe Zakopane
By Craig Patterson
Crazed Polish stunt driver, Joe Zakopane may still be living on a diet of oatmeal and smoothies after he RIPPED all his teeth out performing a Qashqai stunt while steering with his mouth, but he's already planning his next feat of demented, death-defying dare-devilry.
Next month, the CHAINIAC intends to go that one step further in his quest to combine the twin arts of escapology and Qashqai stunts. Not only is he going to be chained up as his car heads over a cliff, the car is going to be FLOODED to the roof.
That's enough to make me smile as it is, but it was Joe's explanation which really TICKLED me. I asked him the simple question 'Why ruin a perfectly good Qashqai by sealing it up and filling it with water?' and he paused for a second then replied in his broken English: 'I have wanted always to drive tank!'
Next month, the CHAINIAC intends to go that one step further in his quest to combine the twin arts of escapology and Qashqai stunts. Not only is he going to be chained up as his car heads over a cliff, the car is going to be FLOODED to the roof.
That's enough to make me smile as it is, but it was Joe's explanation which really TICKLED me. I asked him the simple question 'Why ruin a perfectly good Qashqai by sealing it up and filling it with water?' and he paused for a second then replied in his broken English: 'I have wanted always to drive tank!'
11/05/2008 11:46:00 AM
Thai-ing the Knot
By Craig Patterson
You might remember me saying, a little while back, that I'd booked Qashqai Spanner League star Num Mai Wang and his incredible DAREDEVIL band of Thai musicians, the Thai Green Chili Peppers, for my cousin Hank's wedding. Well, this Saturday was the BIG day and let me tell you, the Peppers could have been Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band, they were that good.
I mean sure, it was a bit WACKY seeing the bride walk down the aisle to 'Bat Out Of Hell', and the procession out of the church to the tune of Talking Heads' 'Road To Nowhere' seemed a little ominous, but I thought the first dance, to a lovingly performed cover of 'She Loves My Automobile' by ZZ Top, was genuinely TOUCHING. And the band even gave the guests discounts on their new compilation of driving songs as we all shuffled out in the wee small hours.
THANKS, PEPPERS!
I mean sure, it was a bit WACKY seeing the bride walk down the aisle to 'Bat Out Of Hell', and the procession out of the church to the tune of Talking Heads' 'Road To Nowhere' seemed a little ominous, but I thought the first dance, to a lovingly performed cover of 'She Loves My Automobile' by ZZ Top, was genuinely TOUCHING. And the band even gave the guests discounts on their new compilation of driving songs as we all shuffled out in the wee small hours.
THANKS, PEPPERS!
11/04/2008 11:45:00 AM
Putting the FUN in Funding
By Craig Patterson
The Number One Flemish Stunt Team have made a name for themselves by setting their sights higher than they can
ever realistically be expected to reach, and I'd say that seems to sum up just about every aspect of their lives.
Why else would a bunch of casual laborers, who struggle to get jobs outside of the logging season, set their
hearts on buying a GENUINE, ex-pro, modified Qashqai from an actual Qashqai Car Games team?
But that's what they did, and, in order to meet Team Andromida's asking price they went to some pretty EXTRAORDINARY lengths as you can see in our latest VIDEO, documenting the team's preposterous preparations. These guys don't have savings or sponsorship so they had to make the most of everything they had (and some things they didn't) to STASH the cash.
Well boys, here's my two cents worth: I think the COMMITMENT you've shown us is nothing short of incredible so I really hope you don't get PROSECUTED for any of your actions. But please, Peter, in future could you keep your beard and all your other bits to yourself? Thank you.
But that's what they did, and, in order to meet Team Andromida's asking price they went to some pretty EXTRAORDINARY lengths as you can see in our latest VIDEO, documenting the team's preposterous preparations. These guys don't have savings or sponsorship so they had to make the most of everything they had (and some things they didn't) to STASH the cash.
Well boys, here's my two cents worth: I think the COMMITMENT you've shown us is nothing short of incredible so I really hope you don't get PROSECUTED for any of your actions. But please, Peter, in future could you keep your beard and all your other bits to yourself? Thank you.
10/31/2008 10:31:00 AM
Your Number's Up
By Craig Patterson
Following my comments about the admirable ambitions of our flying Flemish friends, team member and self-confessed mystical visionary, Joost Verbiest, who constructed the ramp using his own caravan as a structural foundation, has admitted that he may have got some of his MATH wrong when projecting the trajectory of the car launching off the ramp. But he maintains that his calculations were impressively precise, considering he NEVER went to school.
Now, if you ask ME, it's the decision to leave the fella in charge of such complex computations which really doesn't ADD UP.
My mentor, Dirk Van Patten, always told me 'To get AIRBORNE, you gotta do the GROUNDWORK'. So, for all you Spanner League hopefuls out there, here's a little tip to remember when you're looking for someone who can MASTERMIND your attempt to launch yourself into the air and Qashqai Car Games stardom: the innumerate guy DOESN'T COUNT!
Now, if you ask ME, it's the decision to leave the fella in charge of such complex computations which really doesn't ADD UP.
My mentor, Dirk Van Patten, always told me 'To get AIRBORNE, you gotta do the GROUNDWORK'. So, for all you Spanner League hopefuls out there, here's a little tip to remember when you're looking for someone who can MASTERMIND your attempt to launch yourself into the air and Qashqai Car Games stardom: the innumerate guy DOESN'T COUNT!
10/29/2008 11:43:00 AM
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Maniacs...
By Craig Patterson
Well, our latest video has set pulses racing and tongues wagging throughout the world of Qashqai Car Games as the Spanner League shows itself once more to be the world's greatest SHOWCASE for ambitious amateurs and daring but deranged drivers.
So just who are these CHAMPIONS in check shirts? Well, they hail from Flanders in Belgium, they met working in a lumber yard, and they couldn't be more blue collar if they were Joe the Plumber in a particularly blue shirt.
This is the Number One Flemish Stunt Team and they're here to show you that honest endeavor, careful craft, and an easygoing approach to ramp engineering will take you a LONG way in the Spanner League.
I mean, sure, not everything in their stunt goes 100% exactly according to the preposterous PLAN, but the end result's certainly a POWERFUL demonstration of driving FORCE and it's having a pretty big IMPACT on all of us at Qashqai Towers.
All in all, I reckon you couldn't ask for a better illustration of the old saying: 'He who aims for the STARS shoots highest'.
So just who are these CHAMPIONS in check shirts? Well, they hail from Flanders in Belgium, they met working in a lumber yard, and they couldn't be more blue collar if they were Joe the Plumber in a particularly blue shirt.
This is the Number One Flemish Stunt Team and they're here to show you that honest endeavor, careful craft, and an easygoing approach to ramp engineering will take you a LONG way in the Spanner League.
I mean, sure, not everything in their stunt goes 100% exactly according to the preposterous PLAN, but the end result's certainly a POWERFUL demonstration of driving FORCE and it's having a pretty big IMPACT on all of us at Qashqai Towers.
All in all, I reckon you couldn't ask for a better illustration of the old saying: 'He who aims for the STARS shoots highest'.
10/28/2008 09:12:00 AM
Feast your eyes on this
By Craig Patterson
Roll up, roll up, folks - it's that time once again when this site becomes the LAUNCH PAD for the newest team of supersonic stunt stars to rocket their way into the Qashqai Car Games spotlight and a place in the hearts of fans across the globe as we proudly present the latest video entry into the Spanner League!
Have a look on the right there to witness a stunt which might not quite bring the HOUSE down, but sure does a pretty good number on a CARAVAN...
I'll be back with the back-story later this week, but, for now, happy watching!
Have a look on the right there to witness a stunt which might not quite bring the HOUSE down, but sure does a pretty good number on a CARAVAN...
I'll be back with the back-story later this week, but, for now, happy watching!
10/24/2008 09:11:00 AM
Coach Class
By Craig Patterson
I had a chance to visit with Team Matonge Coach Roger Basquiat the other day, and let me tell you, his
personality is as BIG as his stomach. As a champion sausage producer (he even let me have a little munch on
his latest bratwurst), Roger's a man who knows that sometimes, SIZE really does matter.
That's why he's determined to make an even bigger IMPACT on his next Spanner League outing by using the new, seven seater Qashqai +2.
BIG UP to ya, buddy!
That's why he's determined to make an even bigger IMPACT on his next Spanner League outing by using the new, seven seater Qashqai +2.
BIG UP to ya, buddy!
10/22/2008 09:10:00 AM
Training their Sights on Success!
By Craig Patterson
Take a look at our latest Qashqai SPANNER LEAGUE video and you'll see just how much EFFORT and ENDEAVOUR goes into training for the incredible feats we sometimes take for granted.
The TEAM MATONGE boys were really put through their PACES by Coach Roger Basquiat. For three months, all four team members ate, slept, and dressed in the car, and on Fridays they had to clean every INCH of the vehicle with toothbrushes and beeswax. Add to that a morning swim in the River Scheldt every day before dawn, intensive study sessions on aerodynamics, and contortion training to fit as efficiently as possible into the Qashqai's trunk and you've got yourself a pretty grueling BOOT CAMP.
But, as the video footage proves, practice makes perfect. Well, nearly.
The TEAM MATONGE boys were really put through their PACES by Coach Roger Basquiat. For three months, all four team members ate, slept, and dressed in the car, and on Fridays they had to clean every INCH of the vehicle with toothbrushes and beeswax. Add to that a morning swim in the River Scheldt every day before dawn, intensive study sessions on aerodynamics, and contortion training to fit as efficiently as possible into the Qashqai's trunk and you've got yourself a pretty grueling BOOT CAMP.
But, as the video footage proves, practice makes perfect. Well, nearly.
10/20/2008 10:34:00 AM
Exlosive new BANNER!
By Craig Patterson
So maybe I haven't been quite as active on the blog as I should have been recently, but check out my shiny new BANNER up the top of the page there! You see I thought it was high time my fans got to see me in my typically ANIMATED state so I took some time out to improve my technological abilities, all for your viewing pleasure.
No need to worry, though... I'll be back on the case soon with my usual funky-fueled expressionism to bring you the newest Spanner League story on TEAM MANTONGE - the latest group of stars to which we should give some much needed attention. Don't move because we'll let this next video do all the talking...
No need to worry, though... I'll be back on the case soon with my usual funky-fueled expressionism to bring you the newest Spanner League story on TEAM MANTONGE - the latest group of stars to which we should give some much needed attention. Don't move because we'll let this next video do all the talking...
8/19/2008 12:59:00 AM
The Olympic Pole-Revolter
By Craig Patterson
Everywhere you go right now, you hear people talking about Beijing 2008. And sure, I guess it's a pretty MASSIVE sporting event, but I'll be straight with you here - I ain't normally too fussed with the Olympics. There's too much focus on the capabilities of the human body for my liking. 'Faster, higher, stronger' is the motto, but when I want to go faster or higher I just put the pedal to the metal and find a taller ramp, thank you very much, and hell, if I want to lift some big weights I'll call in my pal Garth and his FORKLIFT. And I won't need to wear constrictive lycra to do it. Wladyslaw
But seeing all these sculpted bodies in their skin-tight uniforms did remind me of a man who's a TRUE athlete - Qashqai Spanner League STAR, Joe Zakopane. And not without reason, as it turns out! I found out the other day that Joe actually once trained the remarkable Polish pole-vaulter, Wladyslaw Kozakiewicz, who won gold at the 1980 Games in Moscow. Joe may have been sacked by Kozakiewicz in 1973 for using "inappropriate training techniques", but Zakopane maintains that Władysław's infamous gesture was a reference to the time he made the athlete build up his strength by delivering CALVES in the spring of '72.
GIVE THE MAN A MEDAL!
But seeing all these sculpted bodies in their skin-tight uniforms did remind me of a man who's a TRUE athlete - Qashqai Spanner League STAR, Joe Zakopane. And not without reason, as it turns out! I found out the other day that Joe actually once trained the remarkable Polish pole-vaulter, Wladyslaw Kozakiewicz, who won gold at the 1980 Games in Moscow. Joe may have been sacked by Kozakiewicz in 1973 for using "inappropriate training techniques", but Zakopane maintains that Władysław's infamous gesture was a reference to the time he made the athlete build up his strength by delivering CALVES in the spring of '72.
GIVE THE MAN A MEDAL!
8/19/2008 12:54:00 AM
One Small Step for a Qashqai, One Giant Leap for Qashkind
By Craig Patterson
I don't know if you spotted, but Richard Branson recently unveiled his MOTHERSHIP which is going to launch the first commercial space tourists into orbit. This is the kind of thing that gets my pulse racing faster than a land-speed record attempt cos I've always kinda wanted to be an ASTRONAUT; I just never found a ramp tall enough to launch my Qashqai from.
So you can imagine my delight when I looked at the proposed flightplan for this trip to the final frontier (which the diagram in this article shows) and realized that it's clearly INSPIRED by the Qashqai Car Games. The way that SpaceShipTwo BLASTS off of the mothership before spiraling down to Earth looks suspiciously similar to what Antonio Ambrosio did last year in Japan when he launched a MICROLIGHT from the roof of his Team Voando Anjos Qashqai mid-Wiki. And, thinking back to it, I'm pretty sure I remember seeing a beady man taking notes with a clipboard that fateful day. Well, I'm sure Antonio's recovery in hospital will be made that bit easier thanks to the knowledge he's stimulating others to such great heights.
BLAST OFF!
So you can imagine my delight when I looked at the proposed flightplan for this trip to the final frontier (which the diagram in this article shows) and realized that it's clearly INSPIRED by the Qashqai Car Games. The way that SpaceShipTwo BLASTS off of the mothership before spiraling down to Earth looks suspiciously similar to what Antonio Ambrosio did last year in Japan when he launched a MICROLIGHT from the roof of his Team Voando Anjos Qashqai mid-Wiki. And, thinking back to it, I'm pretty sure I remember seeing a beady man taking notes with a clipboard that fateful day. Well, I'm sure Antonio's recovery in hospital will be made that bit easier thanks to the knowledge he's stimulating others to such great heights.
BLAST OFF!
7/15/2008 01:57:00 AM
No Average Joe
By Craig Patterson
I'm just gonna put this out there - I absolutely LOVE Joe Zakopane. I've been doing a bit of research on the guy and he's a real veteran in all forms of stunts. If there's a textbook for insane daredevils, then Joe consistently tears it up and rewrites it, replacing every word with 'DANGER'.
Joe's real name is Janek Wojtkowski but he changed this for performance purposes so that he could forever be associated with his birthplace of Zakopane. Situated in the mighty Carpathian mountains and known as the 'Winter Capital of Poland', Zakopane is the home of the Wielka Krokiew, the massive ski-jump which our man Joe was the first (and only) person ever to go over in a BARREL. In fact, he was supposed to escape from the barrel before it flew over the edge of the ramp, but actually getting out of the chains he insists on wearing has never been his strongpoint. Still, he survived with only a few broken ribs, a shattered kneecap which he had replaced with his favorite ashtray, and a nervous system flooded with ADRENALIN to what doctors have called 'a dangerously addictive level'.
This perhaps goes some way towards explaining his determination to make it BIG in the Spanner League - that and it's the only LOGICAL step for the man who invented Moose Rodeo, has copyrighted an exercise regime based entirely around concrete building blocks, and holds the world record for sewer snorkeling.
This is a man who never does ANYTHING the easy way (he once ran a marathon carrying an encyclopedia and a magnum of champagne) and that's the spirit that really GRABS us here at the Qashqai Spanner League. So, even though it ain't the most POLISHED performance on his stunt itself, the POLISH gent who's a chip off the Soviet BLOC has put himself in POLE position as the competition heats up. (OK, I'll stop with the puns now.)
JAWESOME WORK, JOE!
Joe's real name is Janek Wojtkowski but he changed this for performance purposes so that he could forever be associated with his birthplace of Zakopane. Situated in the mighty Carpathian mountains and known as the 'Winter Capital of Poland', Zakopane is the home of the Wielka Krokiew, the massive ski-jump which our man Joe was the first (and only) person ever to go over in a BARREL. In fact, he was supposed to escape from the barrel before it flew over the edge of the ramp, but actually getting out of the chains he insists on wearing has never been his strongpoint. Still, he survived with only a few broken ribs, a shattered kneecap which he had replaced with his favorite ashtray, and a nervous system flooded with ADRENALIN to what doctors have called 'a dangerously addictive level'.
This perhaps goes some way towards explaining his determination to make it BIG in the Spanner League - that and it's the only LOGICAL step for the man who invented Moose Rodeo, has copyrighted an exercise regime based entirely around concrete building blocks, and holds the world record for sewer snorkeling.
This is a man who never does ANYTHING the easy way (he once ran a marathon carrying an encyclopedia and a magnum of champagne) and that's the spirit that really GRABS us here at the Qashqai Spanner League. So, even though it ain't the most POLISHED performance on his stunt itself, the POLISH gent who's a chip off the Soviet BLOC has put himself in POLE position as the competition heats up. (OK, I'll stop with the puns now.)
JAWESOME WORK, JOE!
7/09/2008 03:30:00 AM
The Great (Failure to) Escape
By Craig Patterson
Here it is, Qashqai fans - the latest entrant into the RED HOT Spanner League has crash-landed onto our screens in a quite literally JAW-DROPPING video. Take a look at the incredible footage of Polish stunt man and (fairly unsuccessful) escapologist, Joe Zakopane taking his Qashqai to new heights and painful lows - in quick succession!
Oh, perhaps I should have warned you before you did that - it ain't for the faint hearted. Ah well, I think everyone should witness the exploits of a man who's truly willing to put his MONEY where his MOUTH is, and his MOUTH where his HANDS should be.
I'll be back later this week with more info on the man they call THE CHAINIAC!
ZA-KO-PA-NE!
Oh, perhaps I should have warned you before you did that - it ain't for the faint hearted. Ah well, I think everyone should witness the exploits of a man who's truly willing to put his MONEY where his MOUTH is, and his MOUTH where his HANDS should be.
I'll be back later this week with more info on the man they call THE CHAINIAC!
ZA-KO-PA-NE!
7/07/2008 05:08:00 AM
The Calm Before the Storm
By Craig Patterson
You may have noticed that we've been a little short of Spanner League ACTION to report of late. Now, I know you must have been enjoying my musings, ramblings, and wisdom, but never fear, very soon we shall witness some more red-hot, rip-roaring, ramp-rocking stunts from another devoted, dedicated, and deluded team of amazing amateurs.
I don't want to spoil anything for y'all, since the best place for a spoiler is on the back of a car, but I can tell you already that these next guys are gonna be CONTROVERSIAL.
So stay tuned for the latest from the SPANNER LEAGUE!
I don't want to spoil anything for y'all, since the best place for a spoiler is on the back of a car, but I can tell you already that these next guys are gonna be CONTROVERSIAL.
So stay tuned for the latest from the SPANNER LEAGUE!
7/02/2008 06:27:00 AM
A Kick in the Plums
By Craig Patterson
If there's ONE thing that I've learned from looking at the hundreds of videos of stunts sent to me by fans, it's that when something looks too good to be true, it generally is. So I guess maybe I should have been more wary about those adoring emails I got the other week from 'happy Plum', the 'sexy 21 year old minx', but hey, I'm a sucker (and sorta hoped she would be too) so I set up a DATE with this avid fan.
I guess alarm bells shoulda started ringing when I rocked up in my specially modified Qashqai and she spent 5 minutes caressing the car without really paying me much attention, but hey, I thought, this is clearly a girl after my own HEART. Similarly, I should have thought twice when I asked what her real name was and she said 'Just call me Happy', but I just played it smooth and said 'Well I'm happy if you're Happy'.
She certainly was a minx and, though I don't know if she was 21, I do know she wasn't covered by my insurance. But, remembering one of my favorite haunts from my college days, I took her to a remote spot with a beautiful view - a great spot for young lovers and drug addicts. When she asked me to pop the car's hood so she could 'see my BIG END' I willingly obliged thinking this may be some kind of 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' type arrangement.
And it seemed to be going that way when she told me to strip. I did. And as I got down to my boxers she suddenly said 'Wow. D'you know what I really WANNA do?' I thought I could probably guess but was a little surprised when she said 'I wanna sit in the driver's seat - that's where the MAGIC happens'. Well, she's not wrong there, so I got out and held the door open for her whilst she got out the passenger door and slid into my automotive throne.
Then she SLAMMED the door shut and her foot on the accelerator. I really shouldn't have left the engine running.
That was the last I saw of Happy. And it was a pretty long walk back to civilization in just my shorts, so I had plenty of time to reflect on how she'd only ever wanted me for my QASHQAI. After a lotta thought, I decided that if I had her looks, I'd probably do the same - so, if you're out there, Happy, how's about a second date? We'll go to a drive in movie or something. Just please BRING THE CAR.
I guess alarm bells shoulda started ringing when I rocked up in my specially modified Qashqai and she spent 5 minutes caressing the car without really paying me much attention, but hey, I thought, this is clearly a girl after my own HEART. Similarly, I should have thought twice when I asked what her real name was and she said 'Just call me Happy', but I just played it smooth and said 'Well I'm happy if you're Happy'.
She certainly was a minx and, though I don't know if she was 21, I do know she wasn't covered by my insurance. But, remembering one of my favorite haunts from my college days, I took her to a remote spot with a beautiful view - a great spot for young lovers and drug addicts. When she asked me to pop the car's hood so she could 'see my BIG END' I willingly obliged thinking this may be some kind of 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' type arrangement.
And it seemed to be going that way when she told me to strip. I did. And as I got down to my boxers she suddenly said 'Wow. D'you know what I really WANNA do?' I thought I could probably guess but was a little surprised when she said 'I wanna sit in the driver's seat - that's where the MAGIC happens'. Well, she's not wrong there, so I got out and held the door open for her whilst she got out the passenger door and slid into my automotive throne.
Then she SLAMMED the door shut and her foot on the accelerator. I really shouldn't have left the engine running.
That was the last I saw of Happy. And it was a pretty long walk back to civilization in just my shorts, so I had plenty of time to reflect on how she'd only ever wanted me for my QASHQAI. After a lotta thought, I decided that if I had her looks, I'd probably do the same - so, if you're out there, Happy, how's about a second date? We'll go to a drive in movie or something. Just please BRING THE CAR.
6/27/2008 04:23:00 AM
New Balls, Please
By Craig Patterson
It's that time of year again. Time for one of my favorite sporting events. Well, one of my favorite sporting events that doesn't involve sending a ton and a half of roaring horsepower soaring through the air - it's the WIMBLEDON Tennis Championships!
You might think this old-fashioned competition with its quaint English customs of strawberries and cream, immaculate white uniforms, and posh umpires saying 'Quiet please; the players are ready' wouldn't exactly appeal to an adrenaline junkie who drinks gasoline and pisses oil, like me. But you'd be WRONG. And damn rude for making the assumption.
There's plenty on offer at Wimbledon for us petrolheads - SPEEDS in excess of 130mph, guys charging down the tramlines, and blown gaskets galore when the umpires get it wrong.
So, if you're not a tennis FAN, why not try watching it and thinking in terms of speed, elevation, and maneuverability? Or, failing that, there's always the short skirts...
GAME, SET, and MATCH, Mr Patterson!
You might think this old-fashioned competition with its quaint English customs of strawberries and cream, immaculate white uniforms, and posh umpires saying 'Quiet please; the players are ready' wouldn't exactly appeal to an adrenaline junkie who drinks gasoline and pisses oil, like me. But you'd be WRONG. And damn rude for making the assumption.
There's plenty on offer at Wimbledon for us petrolheads - SPEEDS in excess of 130mph, guys charging down the tramlines, and blown gaskets galore when the umpires get it wrong.
So, if you're not a tennis FAN, why not try watching it and thinking in terms of speed, elevation, and maneuverability? Or, failing that, there's always the short skirts...
GAME, SET, and MATCH, Mr Patterson!
